🫂
Well, my mid-semester break just finished, even though we only have three weeks left in the semester, so I guess it was more of an end-of-semester break. However, I did not go anywhere or do anything. It was nice with all my roommates gone. I loved the quietness of the apartment, no slamming of the kitchen door or loud conversations in the hall. The perks of being an ambivert, if that exists, who strays more of an introvert. I was not bothered enough to find someone to go on a trip with me or plan a trip just for myself. I did a couple of day trips to national parks near Sydney and went on hikes by myself. It's a far cry from the long drives at unlawful speeds I would have done if I had a car, or maybe a solo road trip somewhere alone if I had a car. I just wanted to be alone and away from Sydney. I would have rented a car if they drove on the right side here.
On another note, I still need a goddamn internship. My parents will be livid and will maybe disown me if I don't get one this summer. But as Theo Von said, "I don't know if I'm living or doing a to-do list, and I don't know whose to-do list it is sometimes. If it is my own things that I want to be doing, or things that I feel like people want me to be doing, and whose expectations I'm living up to." I know I need an internship so I can get a job after senior year. However, is it what I want?
I've always known I wanted to be an entrepreneur; doing what was the key question. Why an entrepreneur because of my dad. Attracted not by the allure of position, but because I’ve always loved understanding businesses as a whole, and being a part of something, and the art of building something you’ve made yourself no matter the challenges there are.
This past summer, I was thinking about making clothes, and specifically, this past month, I have thought a lot about it. I have always liked fashion, not fashion like Balenciaga, Gucci, Versace, or those other brands, but a minimalistic and clean look. I would combine that with my love for skiing and would make a high-end skiing and snowboarding wear brand named Anthera. I like the name. It was inspired by the Roman god Angerona; why? Since the god is shrouded in mystery, one who helps individuals endure hardship with quiet resolve. The same reason for my blog name, too. You may ask why Roman, which would be because of my Latin roots. Anthera will be akin to Bogner, although it first will focus solely on high-end winter sportswear. I am going to start with ski jackets, designing them to be warm, sleek, and convenient for skiers. A minor problem is that I don't know how to make clothes. However, I have always been good with my hands, and, in due time, I think I could learn. I have already made a couple of designs for ski jackets and snow pants. Well, we'll see if it ever happens. Hopefully. I would partake in this interest in my free time, after work when I have a job, and during school. Just like this blog, that is more like my journal. Both my parents would support this endeavor if I got it off the ground, even investing in it.
I guess my interest in clothes and fashion stems partly from my creativity through sketches, art, and pottery. Though, I’ve never been quite good at it, but good enough for my standards I’d say. However, I don’t know why clothes, it’s just something I’ve always inherently liked, from trying to buy clothes for my dad to helping my mom pick out an outfit. The way the colors and designs flow through the outfit for the specific weather, occasion, comfort, and age.
Building clothes is hard, hard finding the right materials, like finding the right fabric and materials, the different stitching and ways to attach fabrics like laminating or sowing, to the feathers 100% down, comparing goose vs. duck feathers, and finding one that has a good fill power, which I still need to understand. It's a learning curve that is exciting and will be slow with all the other things I still have to do. I am keen but also afraid since my design is quite intricate to build for someone who has never made clothes. I may start with baselayers, which should be easier to make as they are less complex and would be a better starting place to learn to make clothes.
While motivated by my ambition and goals, I'm also supported by my best friend, my number 1 ❤️—friends for 11 years and best friends for 10, nearly half of my life. As the years breezed by and as primary school became middle school, which became high school and now college, the distance got ever further apart with each stage. Though still standing strong, there through the highs and lows, through hardships and joy, and through changing scenery and new places. From seeing each other every day to every other year, from texting everyday to every other day to calling each other. While I have had others from middle school, too even, it's not that none compare, as harsh as it sounds. From being friends for 11 years and knowing everything about each other to always being there for each other and supporting each other with every idea we have, it's just something you can't explain using words. The status of a friendship is something never said between friends; it stands on a mutual understanding through intuition. However, that doesn't mean it doesn't mean the world when you really talk about how much you appreciate each other, which happened the other day. To know that you have meant as much to him as he has to you, something that nothing can take away. Love you dog ❤️.
When I was 9, never in a million years would I have thought we would be best friends; we, specifically, I remember, we were not close. I'll call my friend Stiffers since I believe it was the first nickname I had for him: when I first saw him on my indoor soccer team at barely 7 years of age, he was lanky and ran like a stick. But I guess he got the last laugh, being an absolute unit at 6 foot 3, 210lb. While in primary school, we were in the same friend group, but he was the one we all teased, all in good fun, of course. I had a best friend in that group, but he left our school after 5th grade, and from then on, Stiffers and I became best friends, nearly inseparable. While I can't and don't have enough space to talk about every memory we have. I will say that from shy 11-year-olds, partaking in slap battles on the back of the bus, to sleepovers, to focusing on athletics and academics, now me not so much academically, to the lifting grind, to talking to girls, and now our careers. He's changed me in so many ways and inspires me to do my best, has helped me through so many tough times, and has meant so much to me. Something I hope I have and will continue to do the same for him.
Speaking of friends, I've made plenty here, which makes it only the sadder to leave them in 1 month. But I’m also fully ready to go back home seeing my cats, family, and familiarity. Friends that I'll most likely never see again, even with how close we have gotten. Summarized by the poem by Brian A., "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime." While I have had my share of friends that have come in for a season, being older and more mature makes it all the sadder to have nothing to leave with but memories from such an eye-opening experience. While I can only hope and wish Stiffers and the handful of other close friends I have made in my life last a lifetime, only time will tell as we get older and life really hits you.
Sydney, AU
Well, as always, "it's been a minute." Summer has passed now, and I'm already two months into my time in Sydney, Australia, and one month into my studies. It's been quite a journey, with another two months to go flying blind as a bat. From occasionally going to bars to basketball and swimming to diving headfirst into pickleball, I like always just going with the flow.
Well, to start, moving to a whole new city across the world with no known friends to be your life for 5 months is hard. The first few days are all joy, stuck in a new city with endless possibilities to explore, but everything loses its glamor. Soon, you're stuck with the realization that you have no one, feeling stuck alone on an island. You have to figure everything out, from cooking to only using public transport, a 70 thousand-student school, friends, a routine, things like what food to buy, fastest routes to walk a mile just for groceries. It got dark, figuring things out was like a lifeline, giving you something to do, with no real friends to see or family or even pets. That feeling of isolation slowly creeps up and consumes you, even as an introvert.
Funny enough, my lifelines were the things I despised: pickleball and swimming from spending a whole day trying to buy a pickleball paddle, which I found myself in a residential neighborhood questioning if it was just an online business selling pickleball paddles and meeting the kindest small business owner, Vus, to diving back into swimming. Vus, the owner of mypickleball.com.au, treats you like family; they spent 2 hrs playing with me and letting me try different paddles, even dropping me off at the bus stop to save me a 40-minute walk. However, the pickleball scene in Sydney is abysmal if you, like me, live in the city and rely on public transport to go places. It's either an hour on public transport to play for 1.5 hrs or pay 20 dollars to play with a group that's only about profit; with 2000 members, it puts everyone together advanced with beginners; it's no fun. So, I've started my own pickleball group with 6 people right now, playing on outdoor courts. However, not to toot my own horn, I'm godly on outdoor courts and just outplay my group, which is a dilemma. It's just that I don't feel pressure from them and I can just play however I want. And for a reason I can't explain, I'm playing pickleball cause it's fun, but trying to get better so I can make my mom better when I get back.
Swimming, well, I joined the swim club when I rejoined my college swim team, and I guess I have to be in some sort of shape when I go back. The hard thing is, I don't have any goals, nothing to strive for. I just wanted to be with my friends more back in my home college, but I can't just be an empty figure on the team. Although it's been good to maintain my physique, which I know is not good, but something I put a lot of effort into maintaining.
However, being an introvert, which is questionable, the greatest thing is basketball. Going to the local park with friends that I've made in my building, of whom come from places like Maryland to China. Playing pickup with Chinese, Korean, Japanese, Australian, and French locals, from old to young. The community and people you meet are mindblowing and make the game even more fun. Learning about other people's story and what they do, all while laughing and talking with each other over a game.
Though I am only halfway through, wow already halfway done, I have fulfilled what I wanted to do here. It was a place where my parents and even family friends questioned why I chose it, but it is a choice I don't regret. The lesson of living frugally, which my dad tried so hard to instill in me, having learned here to be more grateful for my situation and that just because I can doesn't mean I should. To the small things of having a car back home, having to walk 25 minutes just to the grocery store, and hauling everything back. Not having my mom cook every meal, I now have to cook and think of what to eat for every meal. To reach out, be comfortable going alone, join random pickleball groups, and now creating my own group with people I have only met once or twice. All of which will be needed when I eventually go on my path after college to work in states and places I've never been. I have experienced the ability to adapt and get a taste of being somewhere you don't have a network, no family or family friends to make life easier, and having to figure everything out yourself. Though any country I would have chosen would lead to the same experiences, something only here is the people, people from Asia, Europe, America, and from all over the world, and truly nobody, not a single person from my home college, well one but for we are very different.
So far, it has been a beautiful experience that I could never have imagined, but that's the beauty of it: not knowing what will happen.
🕊️🤍🕊️
This starts on the day before, Saturday, 04/06/2024. Yes, I am 20, and I have never really had a girlfriend in the essence of what a girlfriend is. However, one defines it. I still don't have one, don't get me wrong, maybe this will turn into something, I don't know, or you may call me dumb by the end, but feelings aside. I met this girl, no it wasn't love at first sight. And no, I had no idea it would transpire to anything close to this than in the last week. I've had Chinese class with her for a full 1.5 semesters. I have never really felt anything; just studied with her and a friend for tests and learned about her through my autism, asking random questions to procrastinate studying. Though last week was different, I guess, studying for a psychology test just one-on-one, for me, a spark lit up. I pulled my balls together and asked her if she wanted to hang out, and low and behold we watched a movie on Saturday night, Howl's Moving Castle - the movie is overhyped. But we ended up talking for 7 hrs until 4 am. I admit I was hesitant; she's lovely but not entirely my type, but I did not want to pass anything up because of something so small. Through that night that spark became a small fire, and I fell, how far I yet don't know. But this isn't about finding someone but losing someone.
04/07/2024, 4:30 am the phone read as I went to sleep, unexpectedly waking up at 11:00 am. I was working on my Chinese workbook, when my roommate came back to the room asking if I knew a guy, with my response his face turned to sorrow. For the next two hours I cried, with the grief washing over me like ocean waves. Seeking solace in my closest friends and parents and Max as the tears flowed with no end, and the walls of my room felt ever more foreign.
Learning that a friend was no longer around, but flying high. My friend's dead, the word dead replaying over and over, nothing prepares you for that. The feeling is indescribable: shock, fear, pain, sorrow, grief tied into one. The past memories, no matter how small, flood back. Someone I was starting to get to know better and become closer to throughout the semester. I didn't yet know him on a deep level and will now never get the chance, but nonetheless, friends, and nonetheless, did it hurt any less. I say this about few, but he was truly a selfless friend, always helping me and my friends out on the Macro problem sets on the night it was due, without hesitation. He always had a smile on his face, and he was always joyous and upbeat.
It's not just the fact that he's gone that hurts so much. The realization that no-one is immune, that the happiest face can be hurting, that the happiest person hurts the most, that life and death sits on the finest of edges. Everyone knows these things, but they never ring true or feel serious until they happen. The simple waves and conversations of how you are, what you are doing over the weekend, and what's up are gone. Gone in an instant. Most of the time, I am fine, though the times when I think about him or see something about him, the tears come back. It's the first time I've lost someone. Now it's a weird feeling. Not believing that he's really gone, to forgetting and keeping my mind occupied on something else, to I don't know. As I write this, my chest hurts, and my heart throbs.
It puts life in a new perspective of how brittle life is, and as corny as it sounds to always spend time checking on friends. To be the best person you can be, that the only thing that matters is not how much money you make or the grades you get, but how kind and selfless you are that lasts and is felt in the hearts of others.
New Years Resolutions
New Year, new me, I guess. I've never really made New Year's resolutions, only ever for the sake of it, and this year was no different. But you don’t need a new year to make a change. Probably half of the population abandons their New Year's resolutions just a week into the year. Regardless of the supposed 'importance' of New Year's resolutions, I believe I've turned a new leaf. Wow, good for me. Well, I guess this is my diary, which for some reason I’ve turned into a blog. I thought it would be interesting to see how many people would read my stuff, if anyone.
Regardless, back to the point, 'I have turned a new leaf.' No, I have not turned to God, but I am agnostic. If I really think about it, I do believe in a higher power to some extent. However, I do not subscribe to the common religions like Christianity, Islam, Catholicism, or any of those. But that is a story for another time.
I think I’ve truly found a sense of direction for my life. However, half the time when I tell people about something I’m doing, I end up quitting. But I think it'll be different now since I’m shrouded in anonymity.
This sense of direction was not inspired by the most hopeful of factors, but because I tanked my GPA last semester. It was a wakeup call. I have been living life on autopilot, not taking life too seriously, and very mellow, just taking life with its highs and lows. Before, I would say it was due to burnout, but honestly, that’s an excuse. I was being lazy and chalked it up to COVID. School after COVID was somewhat of a joke, being ten times easier and more relaxed. I lacked focus or drive, to say the least, and I enjoyed it. I practically quit swimming and didn't really pay much attention to my grades. They were fine but not to the extent I could have achieved. I was naive, always have been since I was born and still am.
I chose the easy and mellow life, one because it was easy, but also because I thought what I wanted in life would eventually appear as the mist cleared with age. I have realized now that was foolish. I mean, I still think living your life peacefully and letting things happen will always eventually lead to satisfaction. But not because you are proud, but because over time your goals will shift lower and lower until you are satisfied with where you are.
As y’all know, I’m the youngest, and I live a fairly lenient life now. I guess I realized that life won’t just figure itself out for you. This realization was mainly obscured by my own naivety, spurred on by family friends. Being the youngest, whenever someone asked me, 'How’s school? What do you want to do?' I always responded, 'It’s good, I’m taking life fairly easy so I don’t know.' They say, 'Oh, that’s good.' To which, I do agree, you don’t need to have life all figured out. But now I have realized that although you don’t need life all figured out, you can’t just take life as it comes. You can’t live life on easy mode; you have to take command and control what you have in front of you. My parents and our family friends didn’t just let life pass them by; they took life for what it's worth, not stepping timidly, but planting their foot with every step. If you want to live life mellow and chill, that’s fine, but through my unfortunate circumstances, I've realized that's not what I want.
I still don’t know what I fully want, but I do know that to get where I feel I want to be, I have to start taking life seriously. I have started to finally go to office hours, read consistently every morning, wake up early, and stay on top of my school work. And I have faith in myself that I can and will do what I need to do to be fulfilled and happy with myself. Not just to make my parents proud, though that's a benefit, but to have the life I want and to open as many doors as I can to reach it. That still does not mean I’m not going to have fun. After all, I’m in college.
20
Gone is the time, a second ago now lost in the past forever locked away, a place forever unchanged but nevertheless any less powerful. "Time moves all too fast," a cliche repeated all too much. Time is a concept you start to think about when you start wanting to be younger and not older. Time catches you in the highs of life always wanting more and lost in the lows, realizing they have no place but to go. That vacation you wanted to last a couple days longer, that car ride, that sleepover, that last goodbye not knowing when you'll see them again. It's those fleeting moments I have always been trying to hold onto and wishing for, but alas, life is filled with hellos, see you agains, and goodbyes. If you constantly look at the goodbyes, the hellos drift away, ceasing to exist.
Ever since 6th grade, when play dates no longer seemed endless but fleeting to the last day of middle school, I thought I understood time. Staring out of my car's rear window on the last day of middle school, caught in the realization of having seen friends for the last time and others only seen once a year if ever. Yet still caught up in telling myself "all too fast will I be swimming in my last high school swim meet and walking down the aisle collecting my diploma." Now, six years later, a sophomore in college. I feel ever more lost only knowing that looking into the future holds no worth. Now stuck in the endless loop of responsibility and taking charge of my future now, to carve my own path. With my parents no longer on the sidelines coaching but in the stands cheering.
Now three days till I turn 20, the last of all my family friends' kids to reach this mark. It's both a blessing and a curse to be the youngest. As the youngest, I will forever be the child they mark their age. The "our small baby is reaching double digits, becoming a teenager, going to high school, learning to drive, going to college" usually accompanied with we're getting old. But it's nice being the youngest; you can be as silly as you want and the parents are more lenient. As the youngest, you are not subjected to "what do you want to be when you're older, or what is your plan," and if they do, the response "I do not know, I am trying to find what I like" is satisfactory. Having grown up in a Chinese family and surrounded by Chinese family friends, all of which holding a PhD, that response usually would not be an acceptable answer, but being the youngest you're greeted with support, sincere or not. You also get to be a jokester and bring a childish attitude and humor to the table that everyone seems to enjoy, or maybe they're just used to me, who knows.
Well now having turned 20 twice, looking back do I wish I was younger? I’d say no. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be 10 again back in middle school with my composting gang, no care in the world. I could play any sport I wanted to, still had dodgeball and gym class, recess, and no one really caring what you do. Yes, I miss high school and the swim team. The ability to go back to your own bed, coming home to a home-cooked meal, seeing your family every day, most importantly being able to see my cats every day. But those woes eventually subside; however, I still miss my cats when I am at school. With the subtle challenges of growing, you learn that it’s the small changes that crush you but never the less mature you any less. Thinking back to the first time my sister went off to college all the way to California. I felt broken and even cried a little. Because even though we had not seen each other a lot at home due to conflicting schedules, the presence of just her at home knowing I could do younger brother things and annoy the hell out of her if I was bored. But now I feel indifferent every time she leaves, a little sad but sure that’s how you’re supposed to feel. You learn to realize that everyone has their journey and the best you can do is give them support.
I would say the worst part of growing up is not the responsibility but finding yourself. Not in the sense of your fashion style or being out there, but finding what everyone calls purpose. Yeah sure it sounds cliche and dumb, but I am lost. Gone are the days to which what you did was decided by your parents, the sport you played or classes you took. And I frankly do not know what to do with my life, I know I am not the only one and that people say you still have time to figure it out. But for now I am lost.
Does that mean college is not fun? No, college is a blast giving you the highest highs and the lowest lows, in the end helping find yourself. Those carefree days may be gone, but the memories will always be there. But seeing your friends grow and propelling yourself to greater heights as adulthood blossoms is an evermore exciting endeavor.
Now that my winter break has passed, having skied down that mountain and climbed even more. Having heard, "It's not about how long you see me for but that you saw me," something my grandma said after we traveled to China and saw her for the first time in 4 years. As simple as those words are, I no longer wish to have been in China any longer, nor wish to ski down the mountains of Switzerland once more, but content with it having ended and happy that it happened. No longer looking far into the future but ready to enjoy the present.
Content
Well, I was planning on writing something every week; however, as you can see, that did not happen, maybe in the future. As classes wind down and the ever-looming finals week inches closer. I’m just trying to figure out how to find a point where I can give consistent effort instead of fizzling out.
With the addictive nature of Instagram reels, TikTok, or whatever platform you use, you soon come across a motivational video, be it a quote from a movie, a speech, a book, or just one made up. They simultaneously make you realize the deeper meanings in your childhood movies while propelling you to a new sense of purpose. However, like a candle, the newfound sense of purpose from these videos soon burns out.
Of course, online apps aren’t the only places to find motivation, be it from friends, family, music, the proper study spot, or whatever you find that motivates you; for me, the newfound motivation fizzles out. It doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t listen to them to ignite the fire, even if it’s for a temporary amount of time. In my endless pursuit to find different wells to draw motivation to study, continuously lift every day, and be my best, I have found none lasts. Every well runs out.
In my relentless pursuit of a perpetual spark, I've learned it might not exist, and that's okay; the most significant blaze is the one that kindles within us. Every fire eventually burns out, and yours will, too, extinguished in life’s finality. No one will live your life, and not one human or animal will walk with you step by step. Your parents may want to, but in the end, you have to decide for yourself what you want. A friend once told me, “Happiness is fleeting; content is permanent.” That stuck with me; I have been so caught up searching for that piece of happiness daily: one more reel, one more YouTube video, and one more night out. However, I have never felt satisfied or happy. However, I am not saying don’t watch YouTube or don’t have fun; have fun live in the moment. But I have also realized that undeserved happiness leads to evermore sadness.
This year marks a significant shift from the last; it's been a journey of expanding my social horizons, engaging in a wider array of activities, forging new connections, and deepening existing friendships. Yet, this expansion has not come without its challenges. Amidst these highs, I've also encountered moments of profound lows, more intense than any I experienced in the previous year. My pursuit of the 'college experience' and its fleeting joys has led me to neglect more crucial aspects of my life, things like my academic responsibilities and future career opportunities. It’s not that I haven’t had the time, but I have been so focused on latching on to the ever-fleeing sense of happiness that time flies quicker than ever. Having been fortunate enough to travel the world and encounter diverse cultures — seeing people in places who would do anything to be in my place — I often feel as though I'm squandering these opportunities - complaining about trivial matters and chasing my tail in a circle pursuing fleeting emotions. Often, I fall into the habit of comparing myself to others, seeking comfort and indulging in self-deprecation as a way to cope with my own position and feelings. Leading me to a troubling blindness: the only person I truly harm through this is myself. Once you realize that the only people that matter are your friends and family, you can take the first step away from finding a finish line that isn’t there and a step towards finding contentment.
It’s okay to seek happiness, but when it becomes your only goal, as in my case, it often leads to more disappointment than joy. For the past month, I have been trying to regain a good routine, focusing on myself, finding my path, and thinking about the quote, 'Don’t waste your time chasing butterflies. Mend your garden, and the butterflies will come.' Working towards stable growth, I'm learning that contentment, unlike fleeting happiness, endures, best put, 'Happiness is fleeting; contentment is permanent.'
Thoughts
Here I sit, writing this as a way to procrastinate from studying for the two midterms I have in two days. It's odd how procrastination seems to motivate you to do anything but what you're supposed to. I'm sat in my school library, surrounded by thousands of books, most of which I suspect have never been cracked open, each waiting to have its knowledge unlocked. In a frantic attempt to procrastinate once more, that time from studying for a final, I flipped through a few of these books.
Like the unread pages, I question whether I’m on the right path—not just with what I’m writing at this moment, but in life. I'm pretty sure I'm not doing what I should be doing. I ponder self-improvement, my goals, my future, what I truly want to accomplish, and what I thought my sophomore fall semester would be like. I reflect on the highs and lows of school and how, even as college grows on me, it feels increasingly incomplete. I realize I need to be better to reach my goals, especially since Covid made me less concerned with academics—a change that has been both good and bad.
Some say grades don't matter, while others insist they do. Some claim the school you attend is inconsequential, and others say it's critical. These conflicting sayings leave me uncertain—who's right, if anyone?
It's a learning curve to realize that innate smartness fades with age, and only continued effort and hard work will propel you to where you want to be. It's a cliché, but it rings true.
At 19, almost 20, I still haven't connected a single piece of the vast puzzle that is life. I know I need to study, but I sit here, yearning to ski, to stand atop a mountain gazing down at untouched powder—yet that's months away. And there's a nagging doubt that when I finally gaze down at that powder, I'll be filled with regret over these two tests, if I don't study enough.